THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT: John MacArthur Style

THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT:
ACCORDING TO JOHN MACARTHUR
---a typical fundamentalist bible literalist fascist pharasaical screed
Matthew 5:5-11---a loose satirical retelling of the Sermon On The Mount based upon the many false teachings of the heretic, John MacArthur
5When Jesus* saw the crowds (meaning only the Jews as Jesus only came for the Jews according to my heretical pre-millennial dispensationalist rapture believing Calvinistic beliefs---also the Sermon On The Mount is of no use for us today, except my revised version), he went up the mountain; and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. 2Then The Holy Bible---The Word Of God began to speak, and taught them the Absolute Truth, which we can know with Absolute Certainty and fact and possess in our hands and defend saying:
3 ‘Blessed are the rich in spirit---those that rob from the poor to make the rich more richer---for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 ‘Blessed are those who do not mourn, for God preordained death to reunite His predestined elect to His wrathful/vengeful Divine Self and to send the predestined non-elect to hell through no fault of their own---other than God being the Author of evil. Those who mourn will not be comforted as they never were part of the prefabricated elect pulled from God’s magician hat from the foundation of the world and those on the losing end of God’s Sovereignty need to just suck it up as God can do whatever He wants and always has His way.
5 ‘Blessed are the strong, arrogant and proud, who possess the Bible---the Absolute Truth and literally believe it, for they will inherit the earth as well as Eternal Life.
6 ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for legalistic moral righteousness, for they will be filled by forced and coerced blind obedience and submission to the Bible’s authority and the biblical integrity of literal, non-contextualized, legalistic readings of the Bible---instead of Christ’s authority and Christo-centric integrity---as Christ is for Jews and liberals, the Bible is for True Christian Believers.
7 ‘Blessed are the judgmental, for they will receive great rewards, in Heaven, for telling everyone how wrong they were and how the Bible literalist Fundamentalists were always right.
8 ‘Blessed are the vain in heart, for they will see God, in those like themselves---rich heterosexual sexist Bible literalists---instead of everyone, including the poor, the oppressed, homosexuals, the disabled and other marginalized peoples of the world.
9 ‘Blessed are the warmongers, who illegally invade foreign countries---all in the name of self-defense---for they will be called children of God. (This is supported by Paul’s letter to Timothy---1 Tim. 1:18---‘war a good warfare’---and as we all know Paul and Revelation are the only things relevant for the non-existent Church Age, because Christ and the 4 Gospels were only for the Jews of Jesus’ day).
10 ‘Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, except for homosexuals and the disenfranchised---but gluttons such as the 400 pound G. K. Chesterton and Jerry Falwell are welcome and should be openly affirmed and heavily quoted from, despite their gluttonous lifestyles. Gluttonous preachers should never be fired nor should gluttons be banned from marriage---but homosexuals should always be banned from the ministry and marriage.
11 ‘Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of facts against you truthfully* on account of your bibliolatry (because you truly worship the Bible instead of Christ). 12Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven and you’ll always be saved , because once saved always saved and for in the same way they persecuted the legalistic Pharisees who were before you.