Burn A Bible For Halloween

King James Onlyists in NC are planning a big shindig for Halloween by burning all the things they deem heretical. I thought they didn't celebrate Halloween. Anyways, here's Big Daddy Weave's post about it:

Burning Bibles Baptist-Style
OCTOBER 13, 2009

On October 31, Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, North Carolina will celebrate Halloween by burning Bibles. Here’s the description of this upcoming shindig:

Come celebrate Halloween by burning Satan’s bibles like the NIV, RSV, NKJV, TLB, NASB, NEV, NRSV, ASV, NWT, Good News for Modern Man, The Evidence Bible, The Message Bible, The Green Bible, ect. These are perversions of God’s Word the King James Bible.
We will also be burning Satan’s music such as country, rap, rock, pop, heavy metal, western, soft and easy, southern gospel, contempory Christian, jazz, soul, oldies but goldies, etc.
We will also be burning Satan’s popular books written by heretics like Westcott & Hort, Bruce Metzger, Billy Graham, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, John McArthur, James Dobson, Charles Swindoll, John Piper, Chuck Colson, Tony Evans, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swagart, Mark Driskol, Franklin Graham, Bill Bright, Tim Lahaye, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn, Joyce Myers, Brian McLaren, Robert Schuller, Mother Teresa, The Pope, Rob Bell, Erwin McManus, Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne, Brennan Manning, William Young, etc.
We are not burning Bibles written in other languages that are based on the TR. We are not burning the Wycliffe, Tyndale, Genevia or other translations that are based on the TR.

No wonder we Baptists aren't taken seriously anymore because of all the Fundamentalist nutjobs calling themselves Baptists today.

A Smurf-tastic Post

Thanks to the heads up by Drew Tatusko who recently had this as a Facebook status message:

Drew Tatusko i have two daughters who have not smurfed with man; please let me bring them out to you, and smurf them as you like; #thesmurfbible

Here is a post about the Smurf Bible:

Friday, May 06, 2005
The Wycliffe Bible Translation Project: Smurf

We are commanded by Christ to spread the Gospel throughout the world and thankfully, the humble workers of the Wycliffe Bible Translators are hard at work translating the Scriptures into every language on earth.

Most recently, Wycliffe has released its translation of the Bible into the Smurf language. Here is a sample from Luke 6:

20Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf are smurfily poor, for yours is smurfily the kingdom of God. Smurfilicious!

21Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Smurfy, isn't it? Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf weep now, for you will laugh.

22Blessed are smurfily you when smurfs hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. Smurfy, isn't it?

23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because smurfy is smurfily your reward in heaven. Smurfy, isn't it? For that is smurfily how their fathers treated the prophets. Smurfilicious!

24"But woe to you who the smurf are smurfily rich, for you have already received your comfort.

25Woe to you who the smurf are smurfily well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who the smurf laugh now, for you will mourn and weep.

26Woe to you when all smurfs speak well of you, for that is smurfily how their fathers treated the false prophets.

Papa Smurf hailed the move as "...a great leap forward in the evangelism of all Smurfkind. History will mark this day as a great milestone."

Brainy Smurf, however, criticized some of the Greek translation as misunderstanding Smurf verb tenses.

Purpose Driven Smurf, smiling to reporters at a press conference, responded, "This translation stresses formal equivalence too strongly. I will continue to use The Message paraphrase, although I respect the viewpoints of other Smurfs who will make use of Wycliffe's efforts."

KJV Onlyist Smurf could not be reached for comment.

posted by John @ 8:52 AM

Here's something about those postmodern Smurfs at work:

A Smurf-tastic Satire by William Hrdina

SUMMARY: Postmodern Smurfs running amok. NOW AVAILABLE: “Where the Fnords Linger- A Short Story Collection” By William Hrdina- collects 27 of my most popular stories. To order go to Amazon or www.williamhrdina.com.

A Smurf-tastic Satire
By William Hrdina

Somewhere, deep, deep in an enchanted forest, there was a village. The village was hidden away in a secret grove inhabited by tiny blue creatures, two and a half apples tall. They wore white hats crammed over the top of their little blue heads. They were all male, except one, and they were known most commonly as The Smurfs.
The village was made up of about twenty huts carved out of bright white and red polka-dotted psychedelic mushrooms. One Smurf lived in each hut. Usually all the Smurfs went to bed early. But on this night, no one was at home (Except for agoraphobic Smurf- he never left his hut), all of the Smurfs were gathered around a bonfire they'd built up in the middle of a clearing.
Lying in a comparatively massive heap, enormous compared to the tiny Smurfs, was the unconscious and thoroughly bound figure of Gargamel, the Smurfs sworn enemy. The capture of Gargamel was the fruition of a two month, overly elaborate plan that boiled down to bribing Azreal, Gargamel's long suffering cat, to switch sides for a lifetime's supply of primo Northern Lights Catnip and the opportunity to piss on Gargamel's head in retribution for far too many hits and kicks delivered out of nothing but his master's inability to outsmart a single Smurf- despite several years effort.
"We're going to need more fire." Neocon Smurf demanded of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. "God demands we burn Gargamel good and crispy."
Fundamentalist Christian Smurf nodded in vehement agreement, "It says so in the Smurf Bible." He stood up straight, put his arms behind his back, and recited, "And lo anyone who smurfs with you, you need to smurf them up good and proper, really smurf their ass and don't take no smurf from them!"
"Praise Smurf Jesus!" Neocon Smurf agreed and rolled his eyes. Neocon Smurf only used religion to manipulate the tiny brain of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. You could get him to do damn near everything so long as you told him it was what Jesus Smurf wanted him to do.
It wasn't like Jesus Smurf was around to contradict what Neocon Smurf said, he spent all of his time wandering around the woods alone- only returning long enough to hit up Stoner Smurf for a bag of smurf and to grab another hunk off of his psychedelic mushroom hut.
Emo Smurf wandered by, wearing all black and muttering poetry to himself. He saw what was happening with Gargamel and said, "Not that I care, but what are you going to do with him?"
"Burn him! Burn him!" declared Pyromaniac Smurf, his eyes twinkling in the firelight.
Corporate Smurf wandered up to the growing crowd gathering around Gargamel. "What's this I hear about burning? That's perfectly good human meat. We should make Migrant Worker Smurf cut up his body and package it and then I can sell it and keep all the money! That would be a sound business solution."
"I hate sound business solutions." Proclaimed Grouchy Smurf, kicking the ground.
Hypochondriac Smurf tried to get the attention of anyone willing to listen.

(Read more: Here).

Oh and for your info the Smurfs are an evil communist plot---just kidding but here you go for laughs: The Smurfs: Communist Allegory with an Undercurrent of Misogyny and Anti-semitism.

King James Bibliolatry At Its Finest

Scuba Diving In The King James Bible

---Image made up of: King James, Scuba Diver Stencil and Ghoti.

SCUBA IN THE KING JAMES BIBLE (KJV, KJB, 1611 AV, or KJO)
A King James Only Lampoon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Persuaded beyond sensibility by Gail Riplinger, Peter Ruckman, Texe Marrs, and Jack T. Chick; and encouraged by D. Haucsor of Wittenburg [sic] Door (whose basic idea I here expand upon); I hereby offer this Thesis to apply for a Doctorate of Religion from Babble Bible College.

Ps 42:7 (KJV) Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts...

SCUBA IN THE KING JAMES VERSION will come as a shocking insight to those weaned from the truth by modern translations. I have found in my studies that in every modern translation, the following points are largely unintelligible, if not completely obscured. But in the Olde English of the "Authorized Version" (AV), or King James Version (KJV), SCUBA is a major topic in both the Old and New Testament. Following are the major points that have emerged from my King James Only research concerning Diving.

i.) Concerning Those Lead Things SCUBA Divers Use To Overcome Buoyancy

Thou shalt not have in thy bag divers weights. (De 25:13 - KJV all, of course)

Divers weights, and divers measures, both of them are alike abomination to the Lord. (Pr 20:10)

ii.) The KJV on Divers Garb and Accessories

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts... (De 22:11)

...To every man a damsel or two; to Sisera a prey of divers colours, a prey of divers colours of needlework, of divers colours of needlework on both sides, meet for the necks of them that take the spoil? (Jud 5:30)

iii.) The Strange Appeal of Diving

For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures... (Tit 3:3)

For in the multitude of dreams and many words also divers vanities: but fear thou God. (Ec 5:7)

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations. (Jas 1:2)

iv.) The "Bends"... Not Beyond Redemptive Power?

And they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them. (Mt 4:24)

v.) Foreign Practitioners Properly Repent, Retreat to City Far From Temptation

Nevertheless divers of Asher and Manasseh and of Zebulun humbled themselves, and came to Jerusalem. (2Ch 30:11)

vi.) Eisegetical Thesis Summary

Be not carried about with divers doctrines. (Heb 13:9)

With this treatise specimen, the real utility of the KJV is made manifest. Some say the KJV is out of date and prone to lead to doctrinal errors due to language migration over nearly 400 years. This is merely a thin excuse propounded by groups like "The Fellowship of Christian Divers" who would keep us from our traditional methodology for misinterpretation. I ask you--in what other version could you make so clear a case on this deep, contemporary issue? In what other translation could such points even be made?

The divers, thus, are the ones behind the conspiracy of all these new translations. And this is nothing new...

But when divers were hardened, and believed not, but spake evil of that way before the multitude, he departed from them, and separated the disciples, disputing daily in the school. (Ac 19:9 [...and note the reference to "school", as in "fish".])

The KJV is essential to "deep teaching" such as this. Bible study should be hard, after all. If people don't earn it by groping through a fog of obfuscation, they will not value what they have! Confusion and lack of clarity have their religious benefits. Furthermore, creating a sheen of superiority concerning defunct languages engenders dependence on "scholars" like us at Babble Bible to act as seers and interpreters. They will need us to keep them from "divers doctrines".
This should serve, by way of example, as a fit rejoinder to those who would confront us at Babble Bible with any of these "new age" translations. They just don't sound like the "Word of God" to us--lacking pomp and obscurity, nor do they appeal to the same lofty, religious instincts. Clearly, it takes all the fun out of it to know what it really means. Besides, we've got this old stuff down! Let's keep the laity right where we need them. And that certainly is not in modern SCUBA gear, replete with those abominable weights.

And so I thus submit my Doctrinal Thesis to the "professors" of Babble Bible College, in the vain hope that it might enlighten some to their errors.

Mk 7:8-9,13

No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better." (Luke 5:39, KJV)

Thanks to Dean & Laura Van Druff's Homepage.

---Image from The King James Only Resource Center.

More On Contemporary Church Music And Hymnody

Continuing from a previous post of mine: TheoPoetic Musings: Should Bob Dylan Become The Church's New Hymn Writer?.

Here are some other posts related to the subject of church music: Why Stackhouse Really Doesn’t Like New Worship Songs and Faith and Theology: The stupidest hymn ever written. Here is a highlight from the later post:

If you need any proof, Steve Holmes posts these amazing verses from the 18th century – this hymn probably deserves the title of the stupidest thing ever written (seriously, you could never find a contemporary hymn even remotely as stupid as this). It’s a stirring anti-Muslim tirade, written for the worship and edification of the saints:

The smoke of the infernal cave,
Which half the Christian world o’erspread,
Disperse, Thou heavenly Light, and save
The souls by that Impostor led,
That Arab-chief, as Satan bold,
Who quite destroy’d Thy Asian fold.

O might the blood of sprinkling cry
For those who spurn the sprinkled blood!
Assert Thy glorious Deity,
Stretch out Thine arm, Thou Triune God
The Unitarian fiend expel,
And chase his doctrine back to hell.

Try singing it to the tune of “When I Survey Thy Wondrous Cross.” It’s very moving: I always get goosebumps when I sing the line about the “Unitarian fiend.” So who do you think wrote this liturgical gem? Why, it was Charles Wesley himself – the greatest hymn-writer who ever lived! As Steve observes, Charles Wesley published about 6,000 hymns – today, we still sing perhaps 20 of them. What happened to the other 5980? They were sung for a while (like our own contemporary ditties), then mercifully forgotten.

And critics of Contemporary Church Music say that it's self-centered---but I guess this arrogant hymn is ok, because it echoes Psalm 137:9: "Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock!" (ESV). Imagine anti-abortionist fundamentalists singing about bashing babies heads against the rocks in their churches.

See also: Do Hymns Really Possess Greater Depth?

King James Onlyist Nuttiness

http://finalauthority48270.yuku.com/forum/viewtopic/id/1819

--------This stuff is so absurd that it's scary. It's scary that these kooks believe this stuff and the heresy of King James Onlyism.

http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2245833785&ref=share

------for even more nuttiness.