Baptist Diseases

Courtesy of Pastor I. Todyaso and his band of discerners.

It's funny though clearly whoever wrote the accompanying article doesn't understand what being a Baptist is all about as not all Baptists are alike. Here are the main distinctives that all Baptists hold in common in some form or fashion:

One way of classifying Baptist Distinctives is called the "Four Freedoms," articulated by Baptist historian Walter B. Shurden:[1]

Soul freedom: the soul is competent before God, and capable of making decisions in matters of faith without coercion or compulsion by any larger religious or civil body
Church freedom: freedom of the local church from outside interference, whether government or civilian (subject only to the law where it does not interfere with the religious teachings and practices of the church)
Bible freedom: the individual is free to interpret the Bible for himself or herself, using the best tools of scholarship and biblical study available to the individual
Religious freedom: the individual is free to choose whether to practice their religion, another religion, or no religion; Separation of church and state is often called the "civil corollary" of religious freedom

Or in another form:

[edit] "B-A-P-T-I-S-T-S" acrostic
Another popular list of beliefs shared by most Baptist traditions is expressed in the form of the following acrostic backronym, spelling BAPTISTS:[2]

Biblical authority (Matthew 24:35; 1 Peter 1:23; 2 Timothy 3:16-17)
Autonomy of the local church (Matthew 18:15–17; 1 Corinthians 6:1-3)
Priesthood of all believers (1 Peter 2:5-9; 1 Timothy 5)
Two ordinances (believer's baptism and the Lord's Supper) (Acts 2:41–47; 1 Corinthians 11:23-32)
Individual soul liberty (Romans 14:5–12)
Saved church membership (Matthew 16:18; Ephesians 5:23–32; Colossians 1:18)
Two offices of the church (pastor and deacon) (1 Timothy 3:1-13; Titus 1–2)
Separation of Church and State (Matthew 22:15–22)

While Baptists for the most part are Credobaptists not all Baptists are closed-Baptists. The SBC of course are closed off to Credobaptism as being the only valid mode of baptism but remember it's not really the mode of baptism that's really the most important thing but the confession that Jesus is one's Lord before or after baptism at some point. The confession is the most important part because whereas faith is individualistic to some degree; it's meant to be lived out in a communal setting in other words the church. The Baptist tent is big enough to embrace both those who practice Credobaptism and Paedobaptism. In fact, most Moderate Baptist churches accept both Credobaptism and Paedobaptism as valid modes of baptism for the sake of our former Catholic, Lutheran and Presbyterian brothers and sisters who join our fellowship and come into the Baptist fold. What are your thoughts on the subject?

The Post-Emergent Church

The Post-Emergent Church Of The Future---For old people that never grow out of their youth. A non-seeker-sensitive approach to church: How to lose friends and alienate people. The Post-Emergent Church will return us back to fundamentalism while still remaining relevant. Praise Hymn Rock Songs Include:

In Awe Of Thy 600+ Commandments, Praise Jesus 25x Chorus, Jesus Is Coming Now Grab Your Guns, We're Old But We're Still Young In Church, A Mighty Fortress Is Our Bible, I Saw Jesus Shoot A Heretic But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy, We Hold The Absolute Truth And So Can You, We'll Annoy You With One More Praise Chorus, We Wish You A Servetus Barbecue, O I Hope My Shoe Is Holey Enough For The Rapture and Raise A Banner Of War On The Non-Elect

Confession of Faith: Legalism is Lord. Church services will include inquisitions on non-believers followed by forced baptisms. Afterwards, we'll have a pot luck lunch. Everyone wins---souls that is!

Death Star/9-11

[H/T] Exploring Our Matrix: Remembering the Death Star Tragedy

Why Glenn Beck Is Not Good Enough For Fox News

By Rev. Professor Rotgut Guzzleman, who put God in the GOP and was fortunate enough to be predestined to be born a True Republican---God's True Elect on earth.

10) He is not a Fundamentalist Christian.

Here is a video in which Glenn Beck explains his false religion:

9) He worships a false god and false jesus.

Saint John MacArthur on Mormonism:

When I met with Robert Millet I expressed my conviction as clearly as possible that the God of the Bible is a completely different God from the god of Mormonism, that the Christ of Scripture is a wholly different Christ from the christ of Mormonism, and the true gospel is a radically different gospel from the gospel of Mormonism.
I have maintained a cordial relationship with Dr. Millet for the sake of the truth, and am happy to provide him with as much of my material as he wishes to read. But my concern is for the truth; I'm not interested in artificial harmony between two contradictory faiths. For that reason I have consistently made clear in all my dialogue with Dr. Millet that there is no spiritual common ground between biblical Christianity and Mormonism.
I would never deliberately equivocate on the truth or do anything that might lend credence to Mormonism. I'm convinced (as are all who understand Scripture accurately) that Mormonism is a false religion, generated by Satan. It is a damnable heresy, and in the words of Paul, "a different gospel," under God's anathema.

8) He's for Freedom Of Religion instead of freedom to force Fundamentalist Christianity down Americans' throats through a Fundamentalist theocracy.

Condemned by his own words:

BECK: But wait a minute, hang on just a second. I think I agree with what you're saying here, but here's the problem — people don't look at — you know, the separation of church and state meant something different. We have gotten so far off the beaten path of our Constitution. They don't understand the concept of freedom anymore the way that our Founding Fathers understood freedom.

I don't care what religion you are. I don't care if you aren't religious. It doesn't matter. Just you be a good person and a decent person and don't force your view — one way or another — down anybody else's throat.

7) He is said to have ADHD which Saint John MacArthur says is nonexistent. http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons/1949 ADHD: Deceptive Diagnosis.

6) He divorced then remarried.'

This is a sin which the True God the King James Bible AV1611 points out:

Matthew 5:32 (King James Version)

32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

5) He was an alcoholic and drinking is a sin.

Here again the True God the King James Bible AV1611 warns us:

Ephesians 5:18 (King James Version)

18And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

4) He's secretly Liberal because he's not a true Republican.

Glenn Beck on becoming Libertarian:

''Every day that goes by, I'm more and more libertarian,'' says Beck, whose new show (titled, coincidentally, Glenn Beck) will air from 5 to 6 p.m. weekdays. 'I've always been a conservative. But every day I find myself believing more and more in states' rights, individual rights -- let people alone, get the government out of everybody's lives, let everybody rule themselves.''

3) He's a Neo-Nazi Commie.

This picture says it all:

2) He told an atheist she didn't have to believe in God.

Condemned by his own words:

CALLER: I'm a moral person, but I do not believe in god. And it makes me cringe when you equate American patriotism with a belief in god.

CALLER: Okay, Glenn. Then does that mean that we all have to believe in God because they did?

GLENN: No, no, no.
....
GLENN: Adella, I'm fine. You don't have to believe in God.

1) He isn't good enough to write a Christmas book.

Todd Friel says so, so you know it is the Absolute Truth---here is the video:




Copyright 2009 Flarklechubbin' Online Discernment Ministries.

Martin Luther: Too Liberal To Be A True Christian

25 Reasons Why Luther Wasn't Reformed Enough To Be A True Christian:

By Dr. Pastor Rotgut Guzzleman, PHD in fundamentalist eisegesis, THD in being saved as I'm elect and you're not, BA in obscurantism, general degree in flarklechubbin', Head of the Hyper-Hyper Calvinist League, Doctorate of Bibliolatry from King James Bible College, holder of Absolute Truth, Pastor of the Only True Church of the Only Elect Souls, etc. In other words, I know my stuff and you don't.


1. He stated:

That Christ died for all men, and, as the Lamb of God, took away the sins of the whole world.

How dare he say Jesus died for all men. All is a liberal word and includes gays, pagans, communists/socialists, anti-capitalists, non-Republicans, anti-Americans and bible-rejecting theological liberals like PCUSA who aren't true Calvinists, etc. After all our final Prophet John Calvin teaches us the true meaning of the word all. The Bible also says:

By the decree of God, for the manifestation of His glory, some men and angels[6] are predestinated unto everlasting life; and others foreordained to everlasting death.[7]

which we know only refers to John MacArthur, Phil Johnson, Al Mohler, Charles Spurgeon, James White, Todd Friel, Will Kinney and 137,000 other Elected and Predestined Calvinist saints---the rest of humanity is going to hell because God chose to destroy them before even creating humanity.

2. Luther dared to revise the God-ordained AV1611 King James Bible and was too soft on homosexuality by revising the AV1611 King James Bible in I CORINTHIANS 6:9 and I TIMOTHY 1:10. This means as such Luther is part of the Scholarship Only cult and is an Alexandrian heretic apostate supporter of Westcott and Hort.

3. Luther didn't use the King James Bible AV1611 which God gave to humanity as the King James Bible is Jesus. Here is a reproduction of Jesus (AV1611 KJB) descending from heaven by God's command:

Heavenly KJB AV1611:


Descending to earth:

4. Luther was a closet Arminian---see # 1 for proof. Also Luther denied Eternal Security OSAS Doctrine. This tells you that not only was Luther a closet Arminian but a closet Romanist/Papist, Pelagian/Semi-Pelagian heretic on the road back to Rome--instead of following Saint Augustine who was not a Papal ring kissing Roman Catholic but a true Calvinist:

"The old truth that Calvin preached, that Augustine preached, that Paul preached, is the truth that I must preach to-day, or else be false to my conscience and my God. I cannot shape the truth; I know of no such thing as paring off the rough edges of a doctrine. John Knox's gospel is my gospel. That which thundered through Scotland must thunder through England again."—C. H. Spurgeon

5. Luther had an unbiblical marriage and did not practice the Biblical Doctrine of Separatism in his marriage, because he married a Catholic nun. The Bible warns against this:

2 Corinthians 6:14 (King James Version)

14Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

6. Luther denied the Orthodox Doctrine of Premillennial Dispensationalism and the Rapture.

7. Luther rebelled against the government---the Pope---though the Pope was corrupt---Christians are to obey their government without question as our patron Saint John MacArthur kindly corrects Luther on this:

If our government changes its form, as governments often do, we are still called to submit and be model citizens. We are called not only to obey, but to obey with a spirit of obedience. We are to give honor to those who are in authority over us so that evil might not be spoken about the name of Christ. If there are critics who are looking for ways to condemn Christians, please let them condemn us for our faith and not our political viewpoints.

Romans 13 makes this clear.

8. Luther was not a true Biblical inerrantist as he practiced biblical criticism and criticized the God-ordained Protestant canon.

9. Luther included the non-Christian books of the Apocrypha in his revision of the KJB AV1611 instead of leaving them out like God's Bible---the AV1611 did.

10. Luther drank alcohol and drinking is a sin. Smoking is also a sin, but Charles Spurgeon is exempt as he is truly one of the elect and thereby could do as he pleased.

Luther's alcohol for those who love their sin:


Spurgeon endorsed tobacco good only for God's elect:


11. Luther was against the Gospel being preached as he wrote against Calvinism and as we know because Saint Charles Spurgeon told us so:

I have my own private opinion that there is no such thing as preaching Christ and Him crucified, unless we preach what nowadays is called Calvinism. It is a nickname to call it Calvinism; Calvinism is the gospel, and nothing else.

Yeah that's right no other philosophy in Christianity is the Gospel nor is Jesus the Gospel: only Calvinism is the Gospel.

12. Luther was part of the liberal animal-rights activist agenda as Luther was anti-hunting.

Luther on why we shouldn't eat animals:

"It follows not, that because God created all things, we must eat of all things. Fruits were created chiefly as food for people and for beasts; the latter were created to the end we should laud and praise God." (Table Talk of Martin Luther, CXXXI)

Therefore we can conclude Luther was against gun rights as well.

13. Luther was not a card-carrying member of the American Republican Party therefore he was anti-American.

14. Martin Luther was a socialist---in his own words:

In his treatise The Freedom of a Christian, Martin Luther observes thatthe Christian should “be guided in all his works by this thoughtand contemplate this one thing alone, that he may serve andbenefit others in all that he does, considering nothing except theneed and the advantage of his neighbor.”13 The spiritual freedomto do so arises out of justification by grace through faith. Luthernotes that in Ephesians 4:28, the Apostle Paul “commands us towork with our hands so that we may give to the needy.”14 Lutherelaborates on this text from Ephesians as follows:This is what makes caring for the body a Christian work, thatthrough its health and comfort we may be able to work, to
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9acquire, and lay by funds with which to aid those who are inneed, that in this way the strong member may serve the weaker,and we may be sons of God, each caring for and working for theother, bearing one another’s burdens and so fulfilling the law ofChrist [Galatians 6:2]. This is a truly Christian life. Here faith istruly active through love.15Luther reiterates this link between faith and works of love in hiscommentary of the book of Galatians:Because thou hast laid hold upon Christ by faith, through whomthou art made righteous, begin now to work well. Love God andthy neighbour, call upon God, give thanks unto him, praise him,confess him. Do good to thy neighbour and serve him: fulfilthine office. These are good works indeed, which flow out of thisfaith and this cheerfulness conceived in the heart, for that wehave remission of sins freely by Christ.16

This is nothing but that old line of liberalism as Saint John MacArthur warns us about in this video: After-all, the only duty of the Christian is to preach Hyper-Hyper-Calvinism to the elect and the elect only so that they can rub their salvation in the non-elect's faces.

15. Martin Luther was a communist as he communed in monasteries.

16. Luther was a glutton---although Spurgeon was too, he is again exempt as he is truly one of God's elect.

Non-elect glutton:

Elect glutton:

17. Luther quoted from Papists which means he wasn't anti-Catholic enough.

18. Luther didn't use only the King James Bible and King James Only tracts like this: in his debates against the Romanist cult but again quoted from the Papists and used a false corrupt Alexandrian bible.

19. Luther was pro-adultery---in his own words:

One spouse may rob and withdraw himself or herself from the other and refuse to grant the conjugal due or to associate with the other. One may find a woman so stubborn and thick-headed that it means nothing to her though her husband fall into unchasteness ten times. Then it is time for the man to say: If you are not willing, another woman is; if the wife is not willing, bring on the maid. But this only after the husband has told his wife once or twice, warned her, and let it be known to other people that her stubborn refusal may be publicly known and rebuked before the congregation. If she still does not want to comply, then dismiss her; let an Esther be given you and allow Vashti to go, as did King Ahasuerus (Esther 2:17).

(Quoted from Ewald M. Plass, ed., What Luther Says: A Practical In-Home Anthology for Active Christians (St. Louis: Concordia, 1991), paragraph 2811)

20. Luther was anti-Zionist, so therefore he is pro-Palestinian and pro-terrorist by not supporting the God ordained Holy State of Israel.

21. Luther was sex obsessed and used coarse language.

22. Luther was a Mary worshipper and prayed the rosary. He said:

"Our prayer should include the Mother of God . . . What the Hail Mary says is that all glory should be given to God, using these words: "Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus Christ. Amen!" You see that these words are not concerned with prayer but purely with giving praise and honor . . . We can use the Hail Mary as a meditation in which we recite what grace God has given her. Second, we should add a wish that everyone may know and respect her " (Personal Prayer Book, 1522).

23. Martin Luther wrote about Christian Liberty which contains a satanic acrostic for Tiber---the anti-Christ code-speak for the Romanist New World Order, Ecumenism and the One World Religion/Government of papism. Also, liberty when ty is taken off alism can be added which spells Satan's philosophy, liberalism. Also, Christians aren't free but slaves who are called to absolute obeidience unto their God of wrath and hate.

24. Luther was Emerging/Emergent and Neo-Orthodox and said that God is love instead of a hateful God of divine wrath, war and venegence as the Bible plainly teaches.

25. Last and worst of all, Luther wasn't an Independent Fundamentalist King James Only Calvinistic Baptist so we know with Absolute Certainty that he and any of his followers are unregenerate, reprobated, non-elect unsaved hell-bound apostate heretics.

Inhabitatio Dei: Why Men Shouldn’t Be Ordained

Here's a funny reversal on the classic sexist and bigoted arguments that Fundamentalists make in opposition to the ordination of women:

Why Men Shouldn’t be Ordained
To good to pass up re-posting this:

10. A man’s place is in the army.

9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do other forms of work.

7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.

5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.

4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, change the oil in the church vans, and maybe even lead the singing on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.

1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.

Posted in Gender, Humor.

6 comments
By Halden – September 11, 2009

A Smurf-tastic Post

Thanks to the heads up by Drew Tatusko who recently had this as a Facebook status message:

Drew Tatusko i have two daughters who have not smurfed with man; please let me bring them out to you, and smurf them as you like; #thesmurfbible

Here is a post about the Smurf Bible:

Friday, May 06, 2005
The Wycliffe Bible Translation Project: Smurf

We are commanded by Christ to spread the Gospel throughout the world and thankfully, the humble workers of the Wycliffe Bible Translators are hard at work translating the Scriptures into every language on earth.

Most recently, Wycliffe has released its translation of the Bible into the Smurf language. Here is a sample from Luke 6:

20Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf are smurfily poor, for yours is smurfily the kingdom of God. Smurfilicious!

21Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Smurfy, isn't it? Blessed are smurfily you who the smurf weep now, for you will laugh.

22Blessed are smurfily you when smurfs hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man. Smurfy, isn't it?

23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because smurfy is smurfily your reward in heaven. Smurfy, isn't it? For that is smurfily how their fathers treated the prophets. Smurfilicious!

24"But woe to you who the smurf are smurfily rich, for you have already received your comfort.

25Woe to you who the smurf are smurfily well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who the smurf laugh now, for you will mourn and weep.

26Woe to you when all smurfs speak well of you, for that is smurfily how their fathers treated the false prophets.

Papa Smurf hailed the move as "...a great leap forward in the evangelism of all Smurfkind. History will mark this day as a great milestone."

Brainy Smurf, however, criticized some of the Greek translation as misunderstanding Smurf verb tenses.

Purpose Driven Smurf, smiling to reporters at a press conference, responded, "This translation stresses formal equivalence too strongly. I will continue to use The Message paraphrase, although I respect the viewpoints of other Smurfs who will make use of Wycliffe's efforts."

KJV Onlyist Smurf could not be reached for comment.

posted by John @ 8:52 AM

Here's something about those postmodern Smurfs at work:

A Smurf-tastic Satire by William Hrdina

SUMMARY: Postmodern Smurfs running amok. NOW AVAILABLE: “Where the Fnords Linger- A Short Story Collection” By William Hrdina- collects 27 of my most popular stories. To order go to Amazon or www.williamhrdina.com.

A Smurf-tastic Satire
By William Hrdina

Somewhere, deep, deep in an enchanted forest, there was a village. The village was hidden away in a secret grove inhabited by tiny blue creatures, two and a half apples tall. They wore white hats crammed over the top of their little blue heads. They were all male, except one, and they were known most commonly as The Smurfs.
The village was made up of about twenty huts carved out of bright white and red polka-dotted psychedelic mushrooms. One Smurf lived in each hut. Usually all the Smurfs went to bed early. But on this night, no one was at home (Except for agoraphobic Smurf- he never left his hut), all of the Smurfs were gathered around a bonfire they'd built up in the middle of a clearing.
Lying in a comparatively massive heap, enormous compared to the tiny Smurfs, was the unconscious and thoroughly bound figure of Gargamel, the Smurfs sworn enemy. The capture of Gargamel was the fruition of a two month, overly elaborate plan that boiled down to bribing Azreal, Gargamel's long suffering cat, to switch sides for a lifetime's supply of primo Northern Lights Catnip and the opportunity to piss on Gargamel's head in retribution for far too many hits and kicks delivered out of nothing but his master's inability to outsmart a single Smurf- despite several years effort.
"We're going to need more fire." Neocon Smurf demanded of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. "God demands we burn Gargamel good and crispy."
Fundamentalist Christian Smurf nodded in vehement agreement, "It says so in the Smurf Bible." He stood up straight, put his arms behind his back, and recited, "And lo anyone who smurfs with you, you need to smurf them up good and proper, really smurf their ass and don't take no smurf from them!"
"Praise Smurf Jesus!" Neocon Smurf agreed and rolled his eyes. Neocon Smurf only used religion to manipulate the tiny brain of Fundamentalist Christian Smurf. You could get him to do damn near everything so long as you told him it was what Jesus Smurf wanted him to do.
It wasn't like Jesus Smurf was around to contradict what Neocon Smurf said, he spent all of his time wandering around the woods alone- only returning long enough to hit up Stoner Smurf for a bag of smurf and to grab another hunk off of his psychedelic mushroom hut.
Emo Smurf wandered by, wearing all black and muttering poetry to himself. He saw what was happening with Gargamel and said, "Not that I care, but what are you going to do with him?"
"Burn him! Burn him!" declared Pyromaniac Smurf, his eyes twinkling in the firelight.
Corporate Smurf wandered up to the growing crowd gathering around Gargamel. "What's this I hear about burning? That's perfectly good human meat. We should make Migrant Worker Smurf cut up his body and package it and then I can sell it and keep all the money! That would be a sound business solution."
"I hate sound business solutions." Proclaimed Grouchy Smurf, kicking the ground.
Hypochondriac Smurf tried to get the attention of anyone willing to listen.

(Read more: Here).

Oh and for your info the Smurfs are an evil communist plot---just kidding but here you go for laughs: The Smurfs: Communist Allegory with an Undercurrent of Misogyny and Anti-semitism.

Ye Olde Slang And Martin Luther Raps About The 95 Theses

Here's some funny stuff for you:

The first humorous item comes from Robb Lawson, who I'd like to give a shout out to or is it an e-shout out. Thanks for the laughs, Robb! Anyways here is the humorous post that he wrote:

Proof that the AV/KJV uses Ebonics
May 24th, 2009 by Robb

The KJV proves that Ebonics has been in use since 1611.
1). “we be”
It is found 32 times in the KJV.
Example: Joh 8:33 They answered him, We be Abraham’s seed, and were never in bondage to any man: how sayest thou, Ye shall be made free?
Rapper “50 Cent” (remember, his name is pronounced “Fiddie Cent” said in interview: “…
[W]e be alright you know.”
http://www.daveyd.com/interview50cent.html (See question 12, response).

2). “ye be”
It is found 71 times in the KJV.
“Ye” is not used today, but it is the plural “you.”
Example: Gal 5:18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.
Rapper “50 Cent” said in one of his songs 21 Questions: “If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
It is obvious he is using the plural “you.” I’m omitting a link to the lyrics because of his dirty mouth.

3). “you be”
It is found 15 times in the KJV.
“You be” is the singular form opposed to the plural form, “ye.”
Example: 1Co 4:6 And these things, brethren, I have in a figure transferred to myself and to Apollos for your sakes; that ye might learn in us not to think of men above that which is written, that no one of you be puffed up for one against another.
Rapper “50 Cent” said in his song P.I.M.P: “That other ni**a you be with ain’t bout s**t.”

This is Robb Lawson reporting from Redneckville, Florida.
Posted in Comedy

The second item of humor is from Youtube:

Scuba Diving In The King James Bible

---Image made up of: King James, Scuba Diver Stencil and Ghoti.

SCUBA IN THE KING JAMES BIBLE (KJV, KJB, 1611 AV, or KJO)
A King James Only Lampoon

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Persuaded beyond sensibility by Gail Riplinger, Peter Ruckman, Texe Marrs, and Jack T. Chick; and encouraged by D. Haucsor of Wittenburg [sic] Door (whose basic idea I here expand upon); I hereby offer this Thesis to apply for a Doctorate of Religion from Babble Bible College.

Ps 42:7 (KJV) Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts...

SCUBA IN THE KING JAMES VERSION will come as a shocking insight to those weaned from the truth by modern translations. I have found in my studies that in every modern translation, the following points are largely unintelligible, if not completely obscured. But in the Olde English of the "Authorized Version" (AV), or King James Version (KJV), SCUBA is a major topic in both the Old and New Testament. Following are the major points that have emerged from my King James Only research concerning Diving.

i.) Concerning Those Lead Things SCUBA Divers Use To Overcome Buoyancy

Thou shalt not have in thy bag divers weights. (De 25:13 - KJV all, of course)

Divers weights, and divers measures, both of them are alike abomination to the Lord. (Pr 20:10)

ii.) The KJV on Divers Garb and Accessories

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts... (De 22:11)

...To every man a damsel or two; to Sisera a prey of divers colours, a prey of divers colours of needlework, of divers colours of needlework on both sides, meet for the necks of them that take the spoil? (Jud 5:30)

iii.) The Strange Appeal of Diving

For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures... (Tit 3:3)

For in the multitude of dreams and many words also divers vanities: but fear thou God. (Ec 5:7)

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations. (Jas 1:2)

iv.) The "Bends"... Not Beyond Redemptive Power?

And they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them. (Mt 4:24)

v.) Foreign Practitioners Properly Repent, Retreat to City Far From Temptation

Nevertheless divers of Asher and Manasseh and of Zebulun humbled themselves, and came to Jerusalem. (2Ch 30:11)

vi.) Eisegetical Thesis Summary

Be not carried about with divers doctrines. (Heb 13:9)

With this treatise specimen, the real utility of the KJV is made manifest. Some say the KJV is out of date and prone to lead to doctrinal errors due to language migration over nearly 400 years. This is merely a thin excuse propounded by groups like "The Fellowship of Christian Divers" who would keep us from our traditional methodology for misinterpretation. I ask you--in what other version could you make so clear a case on this deep, contemporary issue? In what other translation could such points even be made?

The divers, thus, are the ones behind the conspiracy of all these new translations. And this is nothing new...

But when divers were hardened, and believed not, but spake evil of that way before the multitude, he departed from them, and separated the disciples, disputing daily in the school. (Ac 19:9 [...and note the reference to "school", as in "fish".])

The KJV is essential to "deep teaching" such as this. Bible study should be hard, after all. If people don't earn it by groping through a fog of obfuscation, they will not value what they have! Confusion and lack of clarity have their religious benefits. Furthermore, creating a sheen of superiority concerning defunct languages engenders dependence on "scholars" like us at Babble Bible to act as seers and interpreters. They will need us to keep them from "divers doctrines".
This should serve, by way of example, as a fit rejoinder to those who would confront us at Babble Bible with any of these "new age" translations. They just don't sound like the "Word of God" to us--lacking pomp and obscurity, nor do they appeal to the same lofty, religious instincts. Clearly, it takes all the fun out of it to know what it really means. Besides, we've got this old stuff down! Let's keep the laity right where we need them. And that certainly is not in modern SCUBA gear, replete with those abominable weights.

And so I thus submit my Doctrinal Thesis to the "professors" of Babble Bible College, in the vain hope that it might enlighten some to their errors.

Mk 7:8-9,13

No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better." (Luke 5:39, KJV)

Thanks to Dean & Laura Van Druff's Homepage.

---Image from The King James Only Resource Center.

Another Shark "Virgin Birth"

A blacktip shark, like the one pictured here, is the second documented case of a female shark becoming pregnant without the aid of a male shark.


So apparently another shark gave birth to a shark pup without the aid of "genetic material from a male." Here is the full article from AOL News:

Aquarium's 'Virgin' Shark Was Pregnant By STEVE SZKOTAK, AP
posted: 5 HOURS 42 MINUTES AGOcomments: 173filed under: Animal News, Science NewsPrintShareText SizeAAARICHMOND, Va. (Oct. 10) - Scientists have confirmed the second case of a "virgin birth" in a shark.
In a study reported Friday in the Journal of Fish Biology, scientists said DNA testing proved that a pup carried by a female Atlantic blacktip shark in the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center contained no genetic material from a male.

The first documented case of asexual reproduction, or parthenogenesis, among sharks involved a pup born to a hammerhead at an Omaha, Neb., zoo.
"This first case was no fluke," Demian Chapman, a shark scientist and lead author of the second study, said in a statement. "It is quite possible that this is something female sharks of many species can do on occasion."
The aquarium sharks that reproduced without mates each carried only one pup, while some shark species can produce litters numbering in the dozen or more. The scientists cautioned that the rare asexual births should not be viewed as a possible solution to declining global shark populations.
"It is very unlikely that a small number of female survivors could build their numbers up very quickly by undergoing virgin birth," Chapman said.
The medical mystery began 16 months ago after the death of the Atlantic blacktip shark named Tidbit at the Virginia Beach aquarium. No male blacktip sharks were present during her eight years at the aquarium.
In May 2007, the 5-foot, 94-pound shark died of stress-related complications related to her unknown pregnancy after undergoing a yearly checkup. The 10-inch shark pup was found during a necropsy of Tidbit, surprising aquarium officials. They initially thought the embryonic pup was either a product of a virgin birth or a cross between the blacktip and a male of another shark species — which has never been documented, Chapman said.
Tidbit's pup was nearly full term, and likely would have been quickly eaten by "really big sand tiger sharks" that were in the tank, Chapman said in a telephone interview from Florida.

That is what happened to the tiny hammerhead pup in the Omaha case.
"By the time they could realize what they were looking at, something munched the baby," he said of aquarium workers. The remains of the pup were used for the DNA testing.
Virgin birth has been proven in some bony fish, amphibians, reptiles and birds, and has been suspected among sharks in the wild. The scientists who studied the Virginia and Nebraska sharks said the newly formed pups acquired one set of chromosomes when the mother's chromosomes split during egg development, then united anew.
Absent the chromosomes present in the male sperm, the offspring of an asexual conception have reduced genetic diversity and, the scientists said, may be at a disadvantage for surviving in the wild. A pup, for instance, can be more susceptible to congenital disorders and diseases.
The scientists said their findings offer "intriguing questions" about how frequently automictic parthenogenesis occurs in the wild.
"It is possible that parthenogenesis could become more common in these sharks if population densities become so low that females have trouble finding mates," said Mahmood Shivji, one of the scientists and director of the Guy Harvey Research Institute at Nova Southeastern University in Florida.
The DNA fingerprinting techniques used by the scientists are identical to those used in human paternity testing.
Chapman, who is with the Institute for Ocean Conservation Science at Stony Brook, was assisted in the study by Beth Firchau of the Virginia Aquarium.
Chapman and Shivji were on the team that made the first discovery of virgin birth involving the Nebraska shark.
Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. Active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
2008-10-10 00:01:59

Based on these scientific findings, here is my satire of a Fundamentalist/Bible Literalist shark's reaction to the event:

Shark Press: "So Mr. Sharkingswell what are your feelings about Virginia Mary Blacktip's virgin birth?

Sharky Sharkingswell: "It was a literal event, of course, for it was described in Sharkysaiah 7:14. And as we know Joseph Blacktip didn't "know" Mary, so of course we should believe the Holy Shark Bible says what it means and that the only way for Shark Jesus to be born is for Mary to literally be a virgin in the sense of sexual abstinence."

Shark Press: "But isn't the Sharkebrew word in Sharkysaiah used, almah, which literally means "young woman" and isn't the original context of the word virgin---"general purity?"

Sharky Sharkingswell: "I don't care about that or what Shark-bible scholars say. The Shark-bible is clear and says that Joseph was shocked about Virgina Mary's pregnancy and that's what the Institutionalized Shark-church teaches."

Shark Press: "But don't you find it fishy that Joseph and Mary were traveling/living together before marriage which was/is considered sinful?"

Sharky Sharkingswell: "No that's just foolish rebellious teenage talk everyone knows to doubt the Shark-made dogmas of the institutionalized shark-church and expose their origins and the misinterpretations of the shark-bible for what they are is to doubt Great White, our Shark-God. You should read G. K. Sharkerton's Orthosharky or Ravi Sharkarias' Can Sharks Live Without Great White? for they know what they are talking about."

Shark Press: "So there you have it, Mr. Sharky Sharkswell's take on the birth of our Shark-Messiah, Shark-Jesus, Son Of Virginia Mary and Joseph and Son Of Great White, our Shark-God."

HOW TO POOP IN A BIBLICALLY CORRECT WAY

A satire of John MacArthur:


POOP BIBLICALLY: A SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY ON HOW TO POOP IN A BIBLICALLY CORRECT WAY---SO AS TO PLEASE OUR HATEFUL VENGEFUL GOD OF WRATH AND GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY IN YOUR POOPING
By
John “Funky Smell” MacFarter

1 Kings 14:10 (New King James Version)
New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
10 therefore behold! I will bring disaster on the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam every male in Israel, bond and free; I will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as one takes away refuse until it is all gone. “one burns dung, until it is all gone.” (NIV)
----What does this verse say? It tells us to burn our excrements until they are all gone, but man exercising his humanistic pride thought he was better than God by inventing plumbing and toilets. The secularized carnal minds of New Agers and that old line of theological liberals want to deceive the Elect into thinking the Elect can use the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing and toilets (which are a sin) instead of the God ordained method of getting rid of our excrements as prescribed in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word.

Job 20:6-8 (New King James Version)
New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
6 Though his haughtiness mounts up to the heavens,
And his head reaches to the clouds,
7 Yet he will perish forever like his own refuse;
Those who have seen him will say, ‘Where is he?’
8 He will fly away like a dream, and not be found;
Yes, he will be chased away like a vision of the night. “he will perish forever, like his own dung; banished like a vision of the night.” (NIV)
--- What does this verse say? It tells the Elect that God decrees them to defecate at night---that any other time of day is a prideful sin against the Divine Sovereignty of our Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath.

Deuteronomy 23:12-14 (New King James Version)
New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
12 “Also you shall have a place outside the camp, where you may go out; 13 and you shall have an implement among your equipment, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and turn and cover your refuse. 14 For the LORD your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and give your enemies over to you; therefore your camp shall be holy, that He may see no unclean thing among you, and turn away from you.
--- What does this verse say? Here is where the Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping is clearly laid out, which we can know with Absolute Certainty as our Divine Sovereign Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath spoke with His own lips in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word to defecate outside and that all other places for defecating are sinful. Our Holy Sovereign Creator, God of Wrath, is most pleased when we (the Elect) obey and submit to the Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping as clearly laid out in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word. When the Israelites obeyed our God of Wrath not love (Theological liberals want to delude you into thinking God is a lovey dovey inclusive God of let’s hold hands and sing kumba-yah but the Bible is clear on this matter when it says: “God is an all consuming fire, a God of Vengeful Wrath and no respecter of persons”) by defecating outside, they gave God the glory by defecating in a holy manner.

One other thing I would like to say to Bible-minded Christians is to remain Bibliocentric and hold onto Biblical Integrity, one ought to confront all Christians living in the sin of using toilet paper as toilet paper was invented by Pagan Chinese, who worshipped false gods and not our God of Wrath as Revealed in the Inerrant and Infallible Holy Bible. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet_Paper) Also, paper itself was invented by Pagan Egyptians to inscribe their demonic and blasphemous scriptures to their false gods, in their dark, morally and spiritually corrupt religious practices---so that if the Elect falls prey to the sin of using toilet paper, they in affect may be welcoming in false gods (disguised as seducing demons) into their lives. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papyrus) So as we can see using toilet paper is an unholy sin of humanistic pride against our Divine Sovereign God of Wrath, who in His Absolute Sovereignty created (6000 years ago in 6 literal days) our hands, wool, lace or hemp, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs for us to use to clean our anuses. Toilet paper then is for that old line of theological liberals, evolutionists, secular humanists and atheistic communists and not True Bible-Believing Christians.

In conclusion to my God-honoring Expository Sermon (the only sermons recognized by God are Expository, because that’s how Calvin and Spurgeon preached), I pray that the Elect Church purges itself of the errors of the modernistic and post-modernistic ways of thinking about defecating before the Holy Rapture in the Predestined and God-ordained Premillenial Dispensationalist End Times and returns itself to the Fundamentally Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping as clearly laid out with Absolute Certainty in the Inerrant and Infallible Holy Bible that we please and give glory to our Absolute Divine Sovereign Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath by: defecating only outside at night, burning or burying our excrements and using the God-ordained method of our hands, wool, lace or hemp, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs that our Absolute Sovereign Wrathful Creator created for us to use to clean our anuses. Amen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Courtesy of John “Fruity Loony Toon Nutcase” MacFarter, Disaster of Disgrace Community Cult and Foundationalist of Disgrace To You Monasteries--- http://www.gty.org/ and http://www.gracechurch.org/home/

THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT: John MacArthur Style

THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT:
ACCORDING TO JOHN MACARTHUR
---a typical fundamentalist bible literalist fascist pharasaical screed
Matthew 5:5-11---a loose satirical retelling of the Sermon On The Mount based upon the many false teachings of the heretic, John MacArthur
5When Jesus* saw the crowds (meaning only the Jews as Jesus only came for the Jews according to my heretical pre-millennial dispensationalist rapture believing Calvinistic beliefs---also the Sermon On The Mount is of no use for us today, except my revised version), he went up the mountain; and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. 2Then The Holy Bible---The Word Of God began to speak, and taught them the Absolute Truth, which we can know with Absolute Certainty and fact and possess in our hands and defend saying:
3 ‘Blessed are the rich in spirit---those that rob from the poor to make the rich more richer---for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 ‘Blessed are those who do not mourn, for God preordained death to reunite His predestined elect to His wrathful/vengeful Divine Self and to send the predestined non-elect to hell through no fault of their own---other than God being the Author of evil. Those who mourn will not be comforted as they never were part of the prefabricated elect pulled from God’s magician hat from the foundation of the world and those on the losing end of God’s Sovereignty need to just suck it up as God can do whatever He wants and always has His way.
5 ‘Blessed are the strong, arrogant and proud, who possess the Bible---the Absolute Truth and literally believe it, for they will inherit the earth as well as Eternal Life.
6 ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for legalistic moral righteousness, for they will be filled by forced and coerced blind obedience and submission to the Bible’s authority and the biblical integrity of literal, non-contextualized, legalistic readings of the Bible---instead of Christ’s authority and Christo-centric integrity---as Christ is for Jews and liberals, the Bible is for True Christian Believers.
7 ‘Blessed are the judgmental, for they will receive great rewards, in Heaven, for telling everyone how wrong they were and how the Bible literalist Fundamentalists were always right.
8 ‘Blessed are the vain in heart, for they will see God, in those like themselves---rich heterosexual sexist Bible literalists---instead of everyone, including the poor, the oppressed, homosexuals, the disabled and other marginalized peoples of the world.
9 ‘Blessed are the warmongers, who illegally invade foreign countries---all in the name of self-defense---for they will be called children of God. (This is supported by Paul’s letter to Timothy---1 Tim. 1:18---‘war a good warfare’---and as we all know Paul and Revelation are the only things relevant for the non-existent Church Age, because Christ and the 4 Gospels were only for the Jews of Jesus’ day).
10 ‘Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, except for homosexuals and the disenfranchised---but gluttons such as the 400 pound G. K. Chesterton and Jerry Falwell are welcome and should be openly affirmed and heavily quoted from, despite their gluttonous lifestyles. Gluttonous preachers should never be fired nor should gluttons be banned from marriage---but homosexuals should always be banned from the ministry and marriage.
11 ‘Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of facts against you truthfully* on account of your bibliolatry (because you truly worship the Bible instead of Christ). 12Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven and you’ll always be saved , because once saved always saved and for in the same way they persecuted the legalistic Pharisees who were before you.